The Brexit Border Bonus: A Satirical Look at What Leaving the EU Has Done to British Travel

Celebrating Our New Status

Since the United Kingdom voted to leave the European Union, British travellers have been blessed with a series of transformative changes at borders across Europe. The government's own document, The Benefits of Brexit, proclaimed that we have acquired "a simpler, better railway" and that "Brexit is enabling us to improve the experience of UK air travellers."

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But it is at the border itself where the most remarkable changes have taken place. Let us examine each Brexit Border Bonus in turn.

Third-Country National Status: A Badge of Honour

After the democratic vote to leave the European Union, Boris Johnson's government made a key demand: that British citizens become "third-country nationals" in the eyes of the EU. Brussels agreed. This means UK passport holders now stand shoulder-to-shoulder in immigration queues with citizens of Venezuela, Tonga, and Paraguay -- a proud moment for Global Britain.

The result? Longer waits at passport control while European frontier officials scrutinise our impressive new "blue" passports and calculate our permitted days in the Schengen Area.

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The 90-Day Rule: Less Time With Johnny Foreigner

Our newly acquired third-country status brings a welcome restriction: British citizens may now spend no more than 90 days in any 180-day period within the Schengen Area. Gone are the days of unlimited stays in Spain, France, Greece, and other EU nations.

Surely everyone agrees that 90 days is more than enough time to endure the hardship of Mediterranean sunshine? And anyone unfortunate enough to use all 90 days is guaranteed a full three months of respite away from the Continent.

The mechanism echoes the golden years of the 1960s and 1970s, when the government restricted the cash holidaymakers could take abroad to just 50 GBP. Today, it is time rather than money that is rationed.

The Return of Sealed Transport

Perhaps the most nostalgic Brexit Border Bonus is the revival of sealed transport. The concept originated during the Cold War, when trains running from West Germany through East Germany to West Berlin were sealed at the border.

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The Iron Curtain may have rusted away, but the UK is bringing the concept back. With the introduction of the entry-exit system, coach passengers at the Port of Dover face a unique experience. At the Eastern Docks, there is insufficient room for passengers to undergo biometric processing. So instead, travellers are processed at the old Western Docks and their coaches sealed for the drive from West to East Dover -- a brief homage to the days of the DDR.

Fingerprinting and Facial Biometrics: A Festival of Identity

The EU's entry-exit system, which British negotiators successfully demanded must apply to UK citizens, requires every British traveller entering the Schengen Area to be fingerprinted and photographed. Some have complained that queues will become dramatically worse. But we should celebrate it properly as a festival of identity.

Every arrival and departure from the Schengen Area will involve biometric checks -- a level of scrutiny that EU citizens themselves do not face. This is the sovereignty we voted for.

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ETIAS: Paying for the Privilege

The final Brexit Border Bonus is the right to pay 20 EUR (approximately 17 GBP) and fill in an online form for an ETIAS (European Travel Information and Authorisation System) before venturing into the European Union. Originally proposed at just 7 EUR, the cost has nearly tripled.

In the grand old days of Imperial Russia, visiting Brits were obliged to announce their travel plans in the pages of the Saint Petersburg Gazette. We can now look forward to the 21st-century equivalent: letting the continentals know we are on the way.

The Real Cost of Brexit for Travellers

Beneath the satire lies a genuine transformation in how British citizens experience European travel:

• Longer queues at passport control, separate from EU citizens
• 90-day limits on stays in the Schengen Area
• Mandatory biometric registration including fingerprints and facial recognition
• ETIAS permits adding cost and paperwork
• Passport stamping consuming blank pages
• No automatic right to work or stay long-term in EU countries

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For dual nationality holders with EU passports, these inconveniences can be sidestepped entirely. For the rest of us, the new reality at European borders is here to stay.